My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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