i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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