Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
