This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!