I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
