apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
