yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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