your room smells of hookers.
And success
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
