He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
