dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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