During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
