i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
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I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
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No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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