My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Randomize
