Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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