uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
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