I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
