I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
