I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
