Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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