Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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