my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
