Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
