I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
