I just saw a hot homeless man
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
