so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
