Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
