just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Come see our sink grown plant.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
