the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
