Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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