i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
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Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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