i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He felt like a one man threesome
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
