im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
