just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
