I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
