Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
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