it hurts more in the daytime
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
