I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
