Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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