textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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