he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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