life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
