Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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