Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
