Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
