my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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