Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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