I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
