i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
