you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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