I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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