Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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