Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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