I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
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My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
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I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I touched a dick in church today
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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