EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
