my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
