Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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