I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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